My Yellow Paint

A t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up

And a pair of mens shorts lay on my floor

My single bed doesn’t quite

Hold the both of us

But we make it work

My heart feels less hollow

Than it did last fall

I just can’t wait to actually meet you 

Because my mother likes you

And my father hasn’t threatened you

And my brother is too busy

With his one year old son

My sisters see I’m happy 

And I’m more tolerant too

Please don’t let me forget you this time

I feel warm

From the inside flowing out

And the pictures on my walls 

Are of people I actually care about

I kiss your soft grape lips 

And you pull me closer 

In your half awake state

I miss a man I haven’t met yet

My sadness creates you again and again. In a way to comfort myself and convince myself it will all be okay. Sometimes I wish you would go away, just to take the dark and cold with you. But then I remember you are my light and warmth in the midst of that. You take hold of my insecurities and fold them until I hardly recognise them, like origami. But when I banish you again I am reminded of the reasons I shall never be loved. You wipe my tears when I am lonely. But you turn me into a recluse. A concoction of bitter self hatred and distaste for other people. You point out everything that is wrong about me just to kiss all the wounds you have created. I fall for it every time.

I need you. I need you to leave me. No I need you more than I need myself. Please don’t leave me again.

Created in tonights white noise and static in my mind. I find that my sadness is drowning me again, but I’ve no clue who I can turn to. 

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