for the boy i didn’t tell anyone about

i read through everything tonight. looking for some sort of clue, another piece to the puzzle. anything that will help me right now.

and i cried.

long and hard. and i whispered little “i love you”s to my computer screen, wishing you could hear them. and i prayed because what else am i to do?

i smile at you and i talk to you and i laugh with you and i spend half my time at home with my thumb hovering above the “call” button. but i never press it. because i’m filled with doubt. what if you’re busy? what if you don’t want to talk to me? what if i’m being annoying?

i know we live in a world where nothing is certain. but its still unbelievably hard to tell people how i feel. i need some sort of liquid courage for that. and a wiped memory.

because you’re interested in someone better than me. someone i could never be. so i cut myself off, not just from you but from the entire world. i hide in my bed and i drop out of school and i cancel on friends. because even though i know you can not find peace by avoiding life, i’m not finding peace by partaking in life either.

and my face is still hot with tears and everything around me feels cold and sterile without you. all i want is to pull that old sweater from the back of my wardrobe and curl up with it. or talk to someone about you. but you were my secret, because its good to have secrets, right? and mum tells me you fancy me still but how could she really know when she never even met you?

and all this is just because i cant tell you that i’m in love with you. maybe if i told you it would kill that small shred of false hope i have.

if i cant have you, can i at least have my secrets back? please?

a mass of muddled ramblings pulled from my tear soaked mind.

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