And just like that I’m sad again. It’s 7:22 and I know I’ll be okay in the morning but right now I’m not and I can’t work out why.
Yes I can. I know why.
It’s because I feel like we’re fighting even though we’re not (I don’t think?). It’s because I’m alone and my house isn’t my home and I realised I’ve failed as a big sis. It’s because I can’t find a job and I got a parking fine and I lost my best friend and I can’t afford contacts and my car’s fuel light is pretty much always on and I want to travel but I can’t and I have a secret that’s eating me alive.
I have secret. And it’s eating me alive.
And I’m going to tell you, but I really don’t want to talk about it. So now every time I see you I have a little freak out because what if this is the time I tell you? And even worse: what if it’s not?
I’ve been meaning to tell you for months and I’ve always said if you want to know, just get me drunk. But I realise this is something I’ll have to do sober, which scares me. Because that means it’s important and I don’t want it to be important, I don’t want it to have such a hold on me, on you, or on our relationship.
I don’t know where i’m going with this.
I’m scared of telling you, of your reaction, of you realising I’m probably not worth it.
I’m working myself into a state, so I’m just going to publish this and hope nobody even follows this stupid blog anymore.